did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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