My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
