i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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