Moan for me like Helen Keller
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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