Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
