he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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