In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
