My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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