the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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