If i come over, it means nothing
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
