I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize