Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
