Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
