I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
