Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
