you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just found puke in my bra..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
