My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
