my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
