My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
