When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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