My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
