My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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