I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
