i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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