Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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