My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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