the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
