How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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