I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
