theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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