hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
