I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize