what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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