goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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