She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
