So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
