whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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