someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
