Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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