last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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