Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize