Where is the hickey?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
