The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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