He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
