Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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