Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Sober January is a disaster.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
