you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
