i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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