guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
