My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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