So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
