Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
