she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
