my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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