yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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