K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize