when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
