he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
