There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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