she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
